Addicted to Praise
Posted on February 26, 2016

Do you have employees who are addicted to praise?  Maybe you describe them as needy.  Or for that matter are you addicted to praise?

The answer was succinctly provided to me by Alfie Kohn who is the author of ‘Unconditional Parenting – Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reasons’.

When we parent with a system of punishment and rewards (a method that is predominate in our culture and was the way most of us was parented), the love we get from our parents was conditional.  It was conditional upon us behaving correctly (i.e. the ways our parents thought we should behave), and was conditional in achieving (i.e. what our parents thought we should achieve).  For example, we might be punished for misbehaviour and praised (read: loved) when we behaved correctly.  We might be praised for getting A-Grades and enrolling in a Commerce degree and ignored if we got D-Grades and decided to study an Arts degree specialising in the music of the Dark Ages.

As a result, we grew up to believe that we were lovable and deserving of love only some of the time.  Our sense of self-worth is therefore conditional upon our behaviour and performance.  Our sense of self-worth was variable.

So now we are not children any more – although some of us still feel like that and live in dread in case someone catches us out – but we still look for praise from Authority Figures.  Maybe not our parents any more but our spouse or our boss will do.  We also live in fear that we are not worthy of our job or our relationship and that we might lose these.  So we try really hard at work – you know, those people who try too hard.

So what can you do if you have praise junkies as direct reports?

  • Recognise that your direct reports are looking to get some of their emotional needs from you.  This does not mean that it is  your job to provide it to them – but if you can do so without any negative impact on you, then it will greatly improve your relationship with them which makes getting things done so much easier (and makes you a more effective manager).
  • Communicate to them that you are also fully invested in their success at work and will guide them and help them out if necessary – not punish nor criticise them if something goes wrong.
  • Deliver positive feedback using an I-message that is not judgmental on them.  E.g. Don’t say, “You did a great job on that report” (judgmental);  say, “I really appreciate that the report was delivered on time and to the quality I needed as it saved me a heap of time having to work on it myself” (describe the impact on yourself).  Notice the difference between an  I-statement and a You-statement.

And finally,

  • If you are a parent as well as a leader of people, then learn the skills of parenting without relying on a system of punishment and rewards – so you can raise  your children to always feel worthy and don’t rely on the praise of others to enable them to feel OK about themselves.

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