It’s in the news. It’s horrifying. This morning, I was in tears listening to an interview on Radio National’s ‘Life Matters’ with Michelle Gibson. Michelle’s story of being brutalised by her partner (including being held at knife point for 3 hours while her partner threatened to kill her 3 children one by one in front of her) was shocking. I was in tears.
So what is the definition of domestic violence? It is defined as ‘Violent or aggressive behaviour within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or a partner.’
The thing is, as humans, we have our external world (our bodies) and our internal world (what is going on in our heads – our emotional and psychological world.)
When we are physically abused, the bruises show. When we are emotionally abused, there is no visible evidence – no proof of abuse.
Brain scientists have proved that emotional wounds or pain trigger the same parts of the brain that physical pain does.
The bruises from emotional wounds don’t heal. Michelle Gibson’s broken nose healed. She then spent the next 25 years working to heal her emotional wounds. To be able to navigate the outside world without being crippled by fear. To learn to trust again so she could form new relationships.
So we really need to recognise more fully that theDomestic Violence epidemic is more than 2 murders a week. It is far deeper and more widespread than that. It is psychological as well as physical.
And don’t be fooled that domestic violence is just about nasty men being violent to women. Women are quite capable of inflicting serious emotional wounds on men. I would be willing to bet that most men can recall the action of some woman (mother, sister, wife or potential girlfriend) that significantly damaged their confidence and feelings of self-worth.
So the real question is, why do so many people treat other people badly? Let’s face it. No one sets out to excel in Domestic Violence. People are just trying to get their needs met – we are all driven to do this biologically.
And most of us were parented with a system of punishment, threats and rewards. It’s a system that says, “You need to do what I want. And if you don’t, I will use my power to make you. I will punish you if you don’t do what I want.”
So the origins of domestic violence is a result of they way we were parented.
What our community needs to ask itself now is: “Are we parenting our children so they learn to get what they want through using power – or are we raising our children get their needs met through communication, consideration and respect for others?”
