Please don’t eat me!
Posted on January 31, 2017

“Please don’t eat me!”

When you meet someone new, they are looking for two things.

  1. Are you safe?  After all, I don’t want to be eaten.
  2. Are you competent?  If you are going to be my enemy, what am I up against and if you are going to be my friend how much can you help me?

So, demonstrate your trustworthiness through being warm – a nice smile and open body language will go along way.

Then, you can demonstrate your ample competence.

There is only one problem.  

Research has shown that people from high status groups think white male are usually considered to be both warm and competent.  However, people from low status groups think women and people of colour are generally considered to be only one of either warm or competent – but not both.

Many women undermine their own power through self-depreciating language in order to be considered warm and likeable.

Tara Mohr – in her book ‘Playing Big’ describes other reasons why women tend to undermine their own authority and power through self-depreciation and tentative language. In the very recent history of women (and for many women still today), survival depended upon being liked. Women have been economically supported by more economically and physically powerful men for eons. The more likeable you are, the more likely you are to be supported, looked after and the more likely you are to survive.

Even now, where many women are economically independent, the habits passed down the generations are hard to shake – especially when they are invisible to us.  In addition, for any woman wanting to start a family, there will be times when your children are young that you are dependent on those around you to support you. Being likeable will be quite advantageous!

There are no easy solutions to this ‘double bind’ or dilemma as women try to demonstrate their competence while remaining likeable. Shining the spotlight on the challenge can help. Recognising that women’s self-depreciating talk is actually a misguided attempt to stay likeable may also provide the inspiration to speak with more power and authority.

After that, it is a matter of watching your language and getting into the habit of replacing less powerful language with more powerful language.

Finally, remember that in powerful female leadership, both warmth and competence are possible. The days of being a bitch to get ahead are thankfully over.

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